Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a movie about seeing life from a higher, spiritual perspective. We spend most of our time, in recovery, working toward psychologically understanding what happened in our lives. We lived through the fog of asking why we were maltreated. If we eventually come to understand that we were the family scapegoat, the empath and truth-teller, we begin to see how we were unjustly punished and ostracized from the narcissistic family system. We seek truth because we need to learn from our experience rather than have another bad experience. Family scapegoating abuse (FSA) typically sets us up for a behavioral pattern of fawning (submit trauma response) and people pleasing.
This is a painful, lifelong journey for the family member who is not loved and accepted in their family. Family scapegoats are made to feel as if they are wrong, defective, evil, the problem child, difficult, crazy, a liar, the narcissist, etc. The lifelong pattern of psycho-emotional abuse, toward the scapegoat, wears on the scapegoat’s self-esteem. If family scapegoats absorb the psycho-emotional abuse, they live with anxiety, depression, brain fog, gaslighting and trauma. Scapegoats lose their identity, their true sense of self, if they cannot escape family scapegoating abuse (FSA). They end up believing something is wrong with them.
Some scapegoats become suicidal. Some fight back and stand up for themselves. Scapegoats may try a combination of both tactics though neither work. Scapegoats eventually realize there is no changing the way the narcissistic family regime views the scapegoat. The narcissistic family is bound to the false narrative, about the scapegoat, though it is a lie. It is too easy for the entire family to gang up and blame one person though this is an egregious thing to do. It is evil for a family to scapegoat on a child.
Family scapegoats may finally let go, as adults, because they cannot participate in the lie. If they agreed with the lie, they would be denying who they really are. The double bind is that, if family scapegoats do not agree with the lie, they do not fit into their birth family. If they try to fit in, they continue to be battered, with psycho-emotional abuse, and oftentimes lose their health. Family scapegoats cannot change other people and the narcissistic family, typically, will not participate in individual nor family counseling to change family dynamics. Thus, the family scapegoat has limited options. They can reduce contact or go no contact with some or all family members. The goal for the scapegoat is to have boundaries, feel safe, and heal by nurturing themselves back to health. Their nervous system must finally settle down. This is a painful life choice no adult should have to make.
Letting Go
When I watch the movie Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I see this life experience from a higher perspective. The higher perspective helps with letting go. I see both humanity and narcissistic families as resembling the flock of seagulls in the movie. The seagulls are in competition and conflict with one another. Submission to rules of the flock is required. There is day-to-day stress which is based in fear of scarcity and of not getting personal needs met. This stress is the same for narcissistic families who are codependent and trauma bonded from living with anger and violence on a regular basis. It is an endless struggle to survive. It is an existence filled with unspoken rules which are used to keep the malignant narcissist in control.
A basic unspoken rule, in these families is ‘don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel’. Twelve unspoken rules, as observed by Julie L. Hall, include:
- Acceptance is conditional
- Submission is required
- Someone must be blamed for problems
- Vulnerability is dangerous
- You must take sides
- There is never enough love and respect to go around
- Feelings are wrong
- Competition, not cooperation, rules the day
- Appearances are more important than substance
- Rage is normalized
- Denial is rampant
- There is no safety
Family scapegoats are the ones most likely to identify and defy these unspoken rules. They know something is wrong in the family, seek solutions, and are ostracized for desiring healthier behavioral patterns. They are the ones who often persevere against great odds in order to survive and then transcend the old order. When they persevere, they find the answers for healing come from within. Family scapegoats learn there was inner, intuitive, sacred guidance there for them the entire time (but were too traumatized to recognize it).
Here is a trailer to the movie Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I have both the movie and the book because they are liberating with seeing a higher purpose to this harsh life experience:
Jonathan
Jonathan is like the family scapegoat. He decided he wanted to “fly”, to live with a higher state of consciousness, rather than live the stress of ongoing narcissistic abuse, denial, conflict, anger, violence, and power struggles. His parents told him that is not the way a seagull lives and were dismayed with him. They did not consider what Jonathan was seeing and feeling. Eventually, an elder excommunicated Jonathan from the flock for “violating the dignity and tradition of the Gull Family”. It was more important to the flock to keep the status quo rather than change. They preferred to turn their backs on one member rather than change their ways. Though abandoned, Jonathan continued to seek a higher purpose for living.
Sad to See the Narcissistic Family Settle for Less
The narcissistic family is closed to learning new ways of interacting. Their biggest obstacle is giving their power away by vehemently blaming one family member. Other obstacles include: 1) fear, 2) ignoring their conscience (God), 3) denying truth and reality about their lives, 4) refusing to focus on recovery from trauma, and 5) being obsessed with controlling other people. They continue to carry anger, stress, dishonesty, blame, unresolved trauma, and conflict on a daily basis.
When I decided I no longer wanted to live by the rules of the narcissistic family regime, it was because I had to recover from marriage to a sociopath and decades of FSA. At that time, I did not realize my need to heal, to change, to learn new ways of being, and to be free would anger my family. I was naive and thought they might even come along with me. I also wanted to break the chain of domestic violence and pass on a healthy legacy to children and grandchildren.
I relate to Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I wanted to share what I was learning with my family. I did not realize what I was up against. At the time I chose to recover, I had not studied enough to understand how sick my family is. I had not identified personality disorders, FSA, addictions and the cult-like nature of narcissistic family regimes. I, like Jonathan, was rejecting the family’s way of living though it was not my intent to make them feel uncomfortable. I became a huge threat to my family.
I chose the light while they chose to stay in darkness. Narcissistic family members come after the scapegoat if s/he tries to leave their designated scapegoat role. They hate the scapegoat if they feel less than because the scapegoat wants to ‘fly’. Either consciously and/or unconsciously, they prefer the scapegoat die rather than challenge their evil regime. This lack of care and refusing to look within is why I believe “evil seems to run in families” (Dr. Scott Peck, M.D.).
Freedom and Perfection
I had to recover. I was in survival and the pain was too great. I have a sacred responsibility to my soul to survive rather than please a sick, narcissistic family regime who used me to dump their pain. Family members have a choice. They can grow and learn or they can stay the same. The threat for them is that people become evil slowly over time by a long series of choices they make. I do not want to be around those who become more dangerous over time.
I believe we can spiritually evolve. We can learn new ways of being. I believe our goal in this lifetime is to find our sacred union with the Divine. Living life from within, rather than manipulating and controlling other people to get our needs met, is the path I’ve found to freedom. Like Jonathan, learning to “fly” comes from within. Learning to “fly” means we see our purity, our spiritual perfection, when we are one In Spirit with the Divine. We have peace if we live In Spirit rather than be dominated by ego and in competition with other people. We no longer listen to the psycho-emotional abuse (FSA), from the narcissistic family regime, because we know it was a weapon used to keep us in our place.
Learning to “fly” and be free of narcissistic abuse, I got away from the sociopath and other abusive males. I detached from my family when they endlessly persisted with manipulation, lies, and FSA. I learned to avoid dysfunctional neighbors who stirred up drama. When I retired, I gladly left hostile work environments behind and learned to breathe and relax. I conclude it is often a hostile, competitive, and oppressive world we live in. We must have grit to survive. We must have change, on a global level, for the human race to survive an epidemic of narcissistic abuse.
When we finally have time for ourselves, we make sense of the madness. It takes time and practice with learning to listen to inner guidance and wisdom. It is like a tuning fork. We listen for what feels right in our body and has clarity. It is guidance which energizes us and does not seek to destroy other people. Family system’s research says we find our innate, true self. Our true self is our authentic self without masks and pretending. We free ourselves from trauma, projections from other people, lies, and living in fear. For me, learning to listen to body wisdom was easier after EMDR, eating whole foods, doing heavy metal detox and mineral balance with HTMA (hair tissue mineral analysis), and having boundaries.
I conclude:
- there is a higher purpose for living than to manipulate, rage, and kill to get what we want,
- if we believe it’s possible, our soul will guide us out of the hell of narcissistic abuse and FSA,
- there will be plenty of forces which oppose us as we find our way out of the darkness,
- the forces will include family, friends, spouses, and systems full of the worst kind of darkness,
- we have to have grit, never give up, no matter how painful and long the darkness persists,
- when all we can do is take one step at a time, one breath at a time, we keep walking through hell,
- we will eventually see the light as we pay attention to inner spiritual guidance,
- we will eventually begin to heal,
- we will be able to stand one day and say ‘I made it no matter how hard you tried to kill me’,
- now the karma is on those who tried to destroy so they could stay in darkness,
- now we know what evil truly is.
Family scapegoats can hope that some family member may come along, someday, and ask why we had to walk away. As we mature, we often reflect and may search for changing our lives for the better. So there is the possibility that others may desire a healthier life though, most of the time, family members will not change.
It has been excruciating to be devalued and abandoned by the narcissistic family regime. On the other hand, I had to escape and can finally feel my nervous system settling down. I am receptive to a family member who is ready to carve out a new way of being though I would not be naive. I would first have to be certain they are genuine and not trying to suck me back into the scapegoat role. The best outcome would be for some family member(s) to wake up and help break the chain of violence and darkness. If that ever happens, I will be glad to “fly” together.
Empaths, Sociopaths, and Post-Traumatic Growth 