My family of origin survived domestic violence and alcoholism. I loved my family, was a good kid, and made my parents proud with both my scholarly and extracurricular activities. I complied with family expectations until I couldn’t any longer. As an adult, when I was forced to survive divorce from the sociopath I unknowingly married, I was in a battle for survival. Many family members became enraged and I was the target. They should have been enraged at the sociopath and the corrupt family court system. I had all I could do to survive a demon sociopath who was trying to destroy me. I faced years ahead of needing to recover my health, fight to protect my children, and to rebuild financially. It was sheer survival for decades.
The intensity of my struggle to survive did not seem to matter in a narcissistic family tree. At one point, I was told “I thought you were exaggerating”. I was no longer making the family look good, I was talking about the domestic violence I was surviving, and I was not being the compliant good kid they needed me to be. I got discarded and designated as the scapegoat. I lost everything I deeply loved just because I could no longer live as I had lived as a child and continue to be the target for anger and blame.
Julie L. Hall, shares insights about the strengths of scapegoats: “The scapegoat feels the acute injustice of his/her role. It is painful, confusing, maddening, and it frequently carries with it emotional and physiological damage that lasts a lifetime. But family scapegoats also have both innate and learned power. They are not chosen at random. Rather, they are typically targeted because of their strengths.
The narcissist well knows who in his sphere is most manipulable and who is most independent-minded, and he targets his greatest threat with projection and punishment. The scapegoat is the one most likely to care about and fight for justice within the inherently unfair narcissist family system, defending herself and others often in direct opposition to the narcissist.
Children of narcissists are trained to toe the family line at all costs. Challenging the family system is considered a sacrilege, and it calls for a courageous movement away from home into the “wilderness” of the world.
Although the strengths of the narcissist family scapegoat make her a target, they are also her salvation. Her ability to see and question along with her desire for justice enable her to escape the family tyranny while others cannot. And her capacity for empathy, so unlike that of the grandiose and compassionless narcissist, gives her the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships beyond her family of origin.
The (e)scapegoat’s redemption is breaking free.” https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-strength-of-the-scapegoat-in-the-narcissist-family_b_58b27448e4b0658fc20f9678
Scapegoats Stand Alone as Family Denies Truth
This article (link below) is written by Melanie Tonia Evans. The title of the article is “When People React Negatively To Your Personal Growth And Healing”. Melanie states: “And … importantly, if you are not healing, developing your inner and outer worlds, and expanding, you won’t be your best and healthiest to help inspire others and lead by example, as well as generate your Soul’s mission in empowered ways. Please let me be clear – if you honour your Soul’s potential, you honour others and all of life in honourable ways.
So why wouldn’t some people be happy with this?”
The main points I read, in this article, are that:
- we need to be self-fulfilling, self-generative, and fulfill our soul’s purpose on earth
- if we remain codependent, we will not feel fulfilled and we will continue to please others to feel accepted rather than be true to our soul mission
- if we remain codependent, we are vulnerable to letting narcissists and sociopaths into our lives
- after healing we no longer want to give up our soul’s truth
- we take a stand to avoid being sucked back into how we used to live
- this creates conflict when people cannot control you as they used to
“Being lovingly self-honest and self-supportive and meeting your wounds and replacing them with Source allows you to let go of the Person You Were Being (limited) to rising into the Person You Were Born to Be (expanded).
By doing so the veils of denial are lifted. You will start to see where you were handing away power and sacrificing yourself to try to fix others. You will see clearly where you were tolerating abuse by trading your sovereignty to gain security.
No longer do we want to give up our Soul’s truth, by living in the illusions we used to live in. No longer can we ignore what is going on internally. There comes an urge to align – to do the right thing and stand for personal truth courageously, no matter what the external results may be.
“There comes an urge to align – to do the right thing and stand for personal truth courageously, no matter what the external results may be“
Rather than stay connected with someone who is not a match for our Soul truth of growth, healing, development, happiness and true healthy relationships and personal opportunities that make our heart sing … we take a stand.
Of course, this creates conflict where others may fight vehemently to derail you and bring you back down to where they can control you. You will say “No” where you used to self-sacrifice by saying ‘Yes”. You no longer feel it’s “normal” to hand your power away, allowing yourself to be mined for another person’s agenda, hoping they will love and care for you. You are fast becoming a whole new version of yourself.
This is terrifying for others whose identity was wrapped into the “Old You”. It triggers their insecurities horrifically. They can’t get you to take responsibility for what they need to look after themselves. They can’t manipulate and hold you down for their own need to exert control over you. They may be deeply resentful that you are no longer going to wallow in victimhood with them, and that you have left the toxic reality that they wanted you to stay in with them. (Victims take hostages).
You shining can be such a terrible reminder of where they are not. Your happiness is this message:
“I am showing you what is also possible for you if you wish to grow yourself to develop this too!”
I promise you if you are NOT pissing someone off, you are NOT being true to yourself! It’s a healthy boundary. We can’t help them because they refuse to help themselves. More than this we are not going to hurt ourselves by trying to keep others, who disagree, happy.”
Breakdowns To Breakthroughs
Scott Peck, M.D. states that “truth is reality. The more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world. The less clearly we see the reality of the world – the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions – the less able we will be to determine corrected courses of action and make wise decisions. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost”. (The Road Less Traveled, page 44).
“The truth is not always comfortable. Especially to those who don’t want to grow, heal, and expand. I was there once too.” (Melanie Tonia Evans). To heal and grow means breaking down the old identity to make way for a new and much healthier one. Some people who see you make that shift, feel threatened, especially when they feel that you are “leaving them behind”. You are getting out of the powerlessness of the trauma matrix, and they are not ready to make that shift yet. It could be shocking to you that these people resist, get angry with you, and even attack you. They may even smear you and accuse you of being crazy, a phoney, self-absorbed or even worse. It’s heartbreaking. Maybe you haven’t actively challenged them, but your New Self simply can’t relate to them the way your Old Self did.
What has happened here?
“You are threatening their inner identity. They don’t want to go through the breakdown that’s necessary to have the breakthrough. They don’t want to face the truth – that their inner traumas are continuing to be the energetic fuel of their painful outer experience. They want to believe the “outer” is responsible for their life (including you) and they are not willing to courageously go inwards to tend to and heal their inner experience“
Much of, if not all of this, could be deeply unconscious. They aren’t ready yet to connect home to their Soul partnership with Source. You understand it, because you have been there, and you would like nothing more than for these people to join you! But the truth is people will only wake up when they decide to – and not before. If you stay attached trying to make them, not only will you meet resistance, you also may be vehemently attacked.”
Stand Alone but Heal
It doesn’t change as time goes on. I am the outcast who does not get contacted for life transitions and major events in the family. Siblings, typically, do not inform me of what is happening. They pass messages through my children. This will never be but a broken family because of the legacy of domestic violence. I read long ago, that siblings tend to stay hidden, in their corners, after surviving domestic violence. It appears, as adults, they are still hiding in their corners and are unwilling to talk about family history. I can’t go back to denying reality. I have responsibility for passing on a healthier legacy to future generations.
So, I stand alone until other family members decide to look within, recognize truth, and take responsibility for personal growth and healing.
Though it is painful to be designated as scapegoat, I am grateful I figured out family dynamics so I no longer have to repeat the pattern. I see through all the cover-up and pretending.
“It is interesting that the black sheep/scapegoat syndrome does not diminish over time; the individual(s) continue in the role as the root of all the family’s difficulties, even in absentia. The family is compelled to continue to assign blame and project shame onto the person(s) on whom the dysfunctional name tag is hung. Take for example the black sheep child who returned after a 25-year absence to reunite with her father before he died of lung cancer, only to be told by him to get out of the room because she had caused his lung cancer. The man had smoked for 50 years.”