Getting Real about Boundaries with Narcissistic, Scapegoating Families

Setting boundaries, in scapegoating families, may backfire and make the scapegoating worse. Many survivors struggle to understand what’s happening in their family. When survivors identify the family scapegoating abuse (FSA) and seek therapy, they may want to stay connected to their family. Many think they can develop effective communication skills and implement boundaries only to end up asking why the FSA gets worse.

Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP (in the video below) states that the survivor can work on healthy communication and boundaries all they want. However, if other family members are not working on the same thing, progress is one-sided. One-sided change is not likely to bring really good results. This is because the unspoken message is “change back. We don’t like this new you. This feels threatening to this family”.

The pressure of the unspoken message, on the adult survivor to change back when they do their best to stay connected, is phenomenal. Unless they have an ally in the family who will support them and come to their aid, they will get creamed with family mobbing. This family mobbing isn’t acknowledged in many books written about setting boundaries. Authors of these books often don’t acknowledge that setting boundaries can create more scapegoating abuse, more narcissistic abuse, and/or more invisible abuse. There is little recognition of this dynamic, in family systems, in our society.

Rebecca explains why the FSA can intensity. She says that families assign roles and human beings are complex. Roles are not static, in general, though roles can be more static in narcissistic families. Families have their own kind of homeostasis. They are closed systems meaning that the family finds it difficult to accept new information and behaviors. Something new threatens family homeostasis meaning all systems seek some kind of balance.

In dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems, there’s a balance but not a healthy one. The unhealthy balance requires members to be stuck in the roles assigned for them. This is what happens when families have one strong narcissist or when dysfunctional families have highly traumatized members with generations of unaddressed trauma. If a healthy member goes into their family system with rigid roles and unspoken rules, that family member is going to be a threat to the current homeostasis (even if that member brings in information only for their own behavior or brings in expressions for healthier communication).

https://www.howtokillanarcissist.com/articles-on-narcissism/narcissistic-family

Many FSA survivors cannot stay connected to their families because of the homeostatic system pressuring them on all levels including the energetic level. They are the scapegoat “left alone on the battlefield with all guns pointed at them”. Rebecca says you can have the best boundaries and the healthiest communication in the world, but, if others don’t have ears to hear and eyes to see, it’s unlikely to go well for the scapegoat.

For the sake of balance and homeostasis, family members will poke and poke until the survivor is triggered and regresses emotionally. The survivor can end up yelling, screaming, crying and feel out of control. This is because the healthier survivor is more mature and with healthier communication than other family members. When the family sees this, they need to break the survivor until the survivor is out of control and the family feels in control again.

Rebecca asks if we would tell victims of domestic violence abuse to try to work it out with the spouse who abused them? When it comes to family, it’s exactly what we’re doing. She says that family abuse is pathetically under researched and that there’s not an understanding of these psychodynamic realities. Many family systems want to preserve the disease, the lack of health, as if the family’s life depended on it. So when a healthier member walks back in, they are often thrown to the wolves times ten.

For me, I was told by a parent that they wanted me to be how I used to be. I know if I go back in, their guns are pointed, they would thrive, and I would let them devour me. For me, I’ve tried various forms of contact. Nothing works because none of my family members have any desire to introspect, take responsibility, let alone get individual therapy. There is no way I’ll go back to that insanity and suffering. I recover only when I let go of all of them.

Rebecca says:

We need to get real about these families. Let’s acknowledge that some adult survivors cannot re-enter those family systems.

My comment in response to Rebecca’s video:

Rebecca: Please stay courageous knowing you have an army of family scapegoats who love you and the work you do! I believe you are breaking through so many layers of scapegoating in this horrific ‘blame the victim’ violent world. Before you came along, we (the ‘identified patients’) were all alone on the battlefield with all guns pointed at us. Those with the guns thrive if we go back and let them devour us. For me, I’ve tried various forms of contact. Nothing works because none of my family members have any desire to introspect, take responsibility, let alone get individual therapy. I fully recover only when I let go of all of them. Thank you for this very powerful video.

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse16 hours ago You’re welcome, Pam. Your comment/ acknowledgement of the realities I discuss in this video is priceless, as is your acknowledgement of my efforts to get the word out on this form of abuse I named ‘FSA’ (family scapegoating abuse). Much appreciated. (Rebecca’s response)

Selective Meanness in Narcissism

This video, from Dr. Les Carter, is very clarifying. There is often a debate about whether narcissists know what they are doing. This question, about whether narcissists know what they are doing, is one of the most common questions Dr. Carter receives. He says “yes they do” and they are selective about who they bully. He adds that they’ve been doing it so long there is a subconscious force pushing it along. But there are conscious choices made by the narcissistic individual. They know what they’re doing and they know what they’re doing is wrong. The biggest indicator they know is how they select when to dole out their meanness.

Narcissists can come across as being charming, intelligent, capable, and even let you think ‘you’ll never have a friend like me’. They can seem very pleasant and desirous. But, over time, you realize they’re carrying a lot of luggage in their trunk. They’ve not come to terms with unresolved anger which piled up over the years. They feel incompetent because they never really learned to manage relationships or emotions. They carry pervasive insecurity with worrying about how people regard them. They fear their past hurts and disappointments will be repeated. They carry around a trunk full of emotional tension rather than take a look at what is inside them. They are not introspective at all and put blame out there on you. If you cause them to feel any of what they hold inside, it’s your fault. It’s as if they say ‘if you act right toward me, it’s comfortable for me. If not, I’ll come after you.’

Narcissists can be critical, bossy, express rage, be passive aggressive, choose non-compliance, hold on to grudges, assume a position of privilege over others, and have a mean spirit. If you come along and go along with them, you’re spared the meanness. But, if you show inclination toward seeing something is not good or you want to talk about it, you will get selected for being on the receiving end of meanness.

Dr. Carter lists some of the reasons you get selected for being on the receiving end of their meanness:

• It could be the role you play in their life as son or daughter, sibling or life partner, or someone at work. The narcissist has a fixed script for you to be their supply. You may have just showed up in this role,
• You’ve witnessed too much. You’ve seen some of their flaws, their mistakes, or their falling apart. Thus, you need to be silenced so they can maintain a public veneer of calm, cool, and collected. They will be mean to try to shut you down. You may have tried to confront them in clean, assertive sort of way. However, the narcissist still feels rejected,
• You may be independent and function as if you have the privilege to choose for yourself. The narcissist doesn’t like this because they need everything to line up correctly. They don’t like discussions and just want you to go along with the program as defined by them,
• You asked for some of the basics in relationship i.e. to be treated with civility, respect, reason, etc. The narcissist thinks you are ‘coming down on my case’ when you see kinks in their armor. To the narcissist, it means you are not inclined toward blind obedience,
• You are singled out because you have success which arouses their envy,
• There are all sorts of reasons for their meanness. The narcissist doesn’t show their meanness around all others.

Narcissists will not coordinate with others because of their issues. They won’t reexamine their inner world. Dr. Carter states that, when the narcissist is mean toward you, it’s a backward compliment. It implies that the narcissist knows “you don’t think like me, you don’t fit my mold’. You think ‘thanks for noticing. No I don’t and never will’.

The narcissist uses a selective process for when they are mean. It represents their ineptitude. They don’t know how to handle conflict and are not good at negotiating. Being mean toward you shows they’re in pain and have unfinished business. It represents their paranoia that you’re out to get them. This represents their arrested development which is being like the little schoolyard bully who thinks bullying is how you get things done. They are a pitiable, miserable person with low inclination to change and a high inclination to lash out and want to destroy you. You distance as the narcissist chooses a self-destructive approach toward life.

How Narcissistic Parents Destroy Their Child

Narc Survivor, in the video below, describes how a child is destroyed by narcissistic parental abuse:

• the degree of destruction depends on how much control the narcissist had over the child,
• the destruction tends to affect both the scapegoat and golden child the most,
• some children are more sensitive to what they see, hear and experience from the narcissistic parent,
• children learn the wrong things from these parents because narcissists have a hard time managing internal and external situations. They have coping defenses they use which the child is observing and learning. The child experiences rapid and unpredictable changes in the parent and no longer feels safe or secure. They feel like they are constantly at risk of danger or harm. They are constantly living in fight or flight mode,
• the child tries to find some safety or control which they find by imitating the narcissistic parent. By this time, they may have not developed an individual personality nor independence from the parent. The child is constantly under the parent’s control who instills negative attitudes in the child. The child is learning these attitudes which are already being firmly and deeply fixed in their minds,
• if the child is fortunate, they may find other sources who are more deserving of their respect and approval. Since most children will imitate the narcissistic parent, these traits will be passed down,
• Narcissists do not have boundaries. They do not have any conceptual limits between themselves and other people. There is no physical comfort zone for the child because everything is enmeshed. Narcissists like the enmeshment because they cannot regulate their own emotions. Narcissists cannot survive emotionally if other people implement boundaries. On the other hand, narcissists like to implement boundaries to restrict the child and cause harm. Narcissists are addicted to people as a source of supply,
• The child won’t receive any appropriate guidance. The child is pre-ordained to participate in activities, as they mature, that may have an undesired effect,
• The fixed attitudes learned from the narcissist are difficult to change because it’s all the child has ever known. They were raised in a dysfunctional environment for years,
• When the child grows up, the narcissistic abuse will still have an effect on them and put them at a disadvantage. The abuse may even result in developing a mental illness or a personality disorder. The effects of this disorder may spread to other people.

Narcissistic abuse creates generational trauma. The abuse will have an effect which does not go away on its own. Instead, it’s designed to spread and keep going to the next generation. I pray it becomes the norm for parents to guide their children to individual therapy so they recover, learn to avoid personality disordered persons, and free themselves to live their lives in safety, peace, and with robust health.

The Gift of Your Absence: It’s No Longer a Joke

Awakening to the Reality of Family Scapegoating

Prophetess Nikki, in the video below, speaks to how others are affected when you finally walk away. When people give you mixed messages, crazy making messages, they are unsure about you. They may have low self-esteem and enjoy putting other people down. They may be filled with anger and enjoy hurting other people so they feel better. They may be experiencing stress in their lives and enjoy the catharsis of letting off steam by venting toxic emotion on you. They may be brainwashed by a narcissist in your family to believe you are a bad person. They may be conditioned to scapegoat on you because that is the false narrative in your family.

Whatever the reason, and it is common for people to project their issues onto others, you do neither yourself nor others a favor by tolerating their disrespect. For me, I tolerated abusive behavior for far too long. I made excuses for bad behavior and disrespect from other people. I was deeply conditioned and unconscious about how a lifetime of family scapegoating caused me to believe something was wrong with me. My default mode was to make excuses, people please to feel safe, and try to repair relationships. It was typically a one-sided relationship because those who project are not interested in mutual problem solving. They simply want to use and dominate other people.

The cognitive dissonance is severe for the family scapegoat. Basically, the scapegoat cannot believe what is happening. As an infant, you need nurturance, support and protection to survive. You are taught that family loves and protects you. So, you automatically blame yourself, especially at a young age, when you are both not safe and are targeted in your family unit. When you find the courage to face reality as you age, you realize you are being used. You realize your family will destroy a child both to preserve their sick selves and to look good.

When I studied family scapegoating in a narcissistic family regime, my life experience made total sense. I realized there would never be mutual problem solving because the family mob thrived by bullying one family member. They had all the power and they lacked morality. Their goal was to break me down so I would come running back and comply with their regime. I couldn’t do it. I could never shrink back into living among persons, disguised as loving family, who enjoyed watching me suffer so they could feel better.

https://ifunny.co/picture/i-walked-away-because-you-were-faults-in-me-while-LorQtMre6

I don’t believe in ghosting other people and using silent treatment to manipulate other people into compliance. I experienced a ton of that in my narcissistic family tree. Narcissists specialize in silent treatment because that gives them ultimate control. They fantasize that their victim will bow down and beg for acceptance in order to stay emotionally connected. Since human beings all want genuine emotional connection, the narcissistic family knew what they were doing and were more than willing to make me suffer for their group win. Once I figured out the narcissists’ playbook, I walked away. Bullying is an atrocious way to treat another human being. It is demonic.

Walking Away to Awaken Others

Distance and silence is healthy when it’s done for the right reason.

When you walk away after learning the narcissists’ playbook, you do so to maintain your spiritual, physical and mental health. You refuse to provide narcissistic supply to people who use other people. You give the gift of absence. The gift of absence truly is a gift. Rather than continue to play by the narcissists’ playbook and enforce the demonic pattern, you give opportunity for others to spiritually awaken.

Those who perpetrate the psycho-emotional abuse of family scapegoating, took you for granted. They continuously confabulated trivial allegations in their heads about you so they could criticize. That way you would feel guilty and always on the defense. That way they did not have to look at themselves. When you get out of their way, they have no place to dump their unresolved issues.

As Nikki says: when you give the gift of absence, you gain so much self-respect. Others, also, gain so much respect for you. She adds that when you walk away, you might be shocked by how others are processing your absence. This is because you left a void and they are trying to fill it. Your presence and what you bring to the table cannot be duplicated. You let them know that you love yourself more than how they are treating you. You have become the priority. It is not selfishness. It is survival when you are up against a frenzied mob.

They realize it is no longer a laughing matter. They know you’re a different person who has put your foot down. They didn’t think you had the courage to walk away and do what is best for you. They are looking in the rear-view mirror, looking for you, and you’re not there. Your absence is a light to teach them not to take other people for granted. You give people a lot of illumination, a light bulb moment, when you give the gift of your absence.

When you leave, as the family scapegoat, you have to maintain boundaries. If you give in and go back, the scapegoating will continue and get worse as their payback. If you teach others that you will accept disrespect and let others walk all over you, they will see you are willing to accept anything in order to have them around. Nikki says to “let your yes be yes and your no be no”. You must stand on what you say. People will treat you according to your standards and boundaries.

https://twitter.com/GoMcGillMedia/status/557111815571013632/photo/1

Law of Detachment

The law of detachment saves us from countless years of suffering. It is a law that is especially useful when we experience conflict in toxic relationships. If a relationship is healthy, we share kind and respectful dialogue and we find mutual solutions to conflict. If a relationship is toxic, abusive and we are being manipulated, we may try to please, fix, and control the outcome. In an unhealthy relationship, effort is one-sided because persons with toxic, personality disorders care foremost about maintaining control and taking no personal responsibility. They routinely blame shift to avoid looking within. 

For me, I made too many mistakes with trying to fix toxic relationships. It was silly to try when I was up against a family mob filled with personality disorders and flying monkeys. Once I gained education about narcissists, sociopaths, and flying monkeys, I quit trying. When I learned that evil seems to run in families, I became more determined to stay away from a very ugly and disturbing spiritual reality. 

I think ‘if family could only see what I now see’. They have lied to themselves and to one another for decades. They do not seem to question themselves because the narcissistic family regime unites to destroy those who disagree with their false narrative and they blame shift. When that happens, it usually takes a life-threatening experience to wake them out of their self-induced spiritual coma. Some never spiritually awaken even when going through a life and death experience. It is a mystery as to why such spiritual conversion experiences happen or don’t happen.

Do Not Give Energy to Forces of Darkness

When I emotionally detach, I experience the power of letting go. I no longer feel spiritually connected to dark and destructive spiritual energies. In my opinion, they are forces of spiritual darkness. I no longer subject myself to the psycho-emotional abuse from those on the dark side – the abusive, scapegoating family members. My nervous system settles down and I heal on deeper level. My energy is restored because I am no longer being drained by energy vampires. 

Though I knew about the law of detachment, it still took time for me to let go of an entire family unit. I believe it takes the spiritual power and guidance of the Divine to get us ready for making such a huge shift in our lives. For me, it was a step-by-step process with integrating revelations of what was happening to me and what I could do about it. The best decision I made was to walk away and to stay away. Once I walked away, the narcissistic family regime could no longer get narcissistic supply by draining my energy and wearing me down. 

If the family scapegoat does not make the decision to walk away, who or what will ever change the destructive pattern? Making the decision to walk away is the opportunity needed to invoke much needed change in these destructive family systems. As Earnie Larsen says “If nothing changes, nothing changes”. 

Energy Givers and Energy Takers

Once we detach and begin recovery from trauma in a narcissistic scapegoating family, we begin to emotionally thaw and to start feeling again. We are finally able to sort through what happened and liberate ourselves from the verbally abusive messages we received. We realize the verbally abusive put downs were simply the narcissist dumping their issues on to us. We learn we must protect ourselves from these energy vampires who try to destroy us. The following article offers guidance for what we can do to increase energy and what we can do to protect ourselves from energy vampires: 

Examples of Energy Givers

• A refreshing glass of water
• A warm cup of coffee or tea
• Movement
• Stretching
• Exercise
• Fresh air
• Supportive friends and family
• People you can be yourself with
• People that make you feel happy
• Boundary setting
• Reading
• Self-care
• A warm hug
• Journaling
• Working on your hobbies
• Dancing
• Lymphatic drainage
• Massages
• Volunteering
• Deep breathing
• Nutritious, wholesome food
• Power naps
• Good sleep habits
• High-frequency music
• Trying and learning new things
• Traveling
• Dreams and goals that you are working towards
• Practicing gratitude
• Taking periodic vacations
• Growth mindset
• Spending time with pets

Examples of Energy Takers

• Family members with persistent negative vibes or toxic behaviors
• Social media accounts that trigger comparititis or make you feel envious
• People that make you feel inadequate
• People who are always creating drama or chaos
• People who violate your boundaries
• Not being clear about your boundaries
• Psychoanalyzing every person, every conversation, every action
• Constantly complaining
• Repressing your emotions
• Junk food
• Binge-eating
• Overthinking
• Over-exercising
• Poor sleep hygiene
• Excessive screen time
• Excessive stress
• Excessive alcohol
• Foregoing rest for productivity
• Not taking a break
• Perfectionism
• Being passive aggressive
• Resentment/anger/envy
• Victim mindset

What are Your Energy Givers and Energy Takers?

Mantra After Surviving Narcissistic Hatred and Abuse

I encourage you to find those who are kind and respectful. Avoid energy vampires who use and abuse other people. Be assertive and maintain boundaries so that energy vampires gain no narcissistic supply by manipulating and draining your energy. We can shift our entire paradigm from one of fear and hatred to kindness and respect for one another:

Hatred for the Presence of Goodness in Narcissistic Family Regimes

As family scapegoats, we get unjustly blamed and shamed for problems in the narcissistic family regime. We often end up believing something is inherently wrong with us or that we are defective in some way. This unjust scapegoating wears down self-esteem so that we start questioning how we see things. This outcome is exactly what the narcissists and flying monkeys want because they see their gaslighting works, the scapegoat is beat down, and they get away with bad behavior.

Here is an example of how crazy and demonic scapegoating is in a narcissistic family regime. I was being stalked, harassed, and abused by the Steve sociopath. I had relocated for safety from him, to protect our children, which did not work. He continued his stalking and abuse. While surviving the stalking and resulting chaos, my mother persisted with intrusive, obsessive calling to get updates. When she got updates, she gossiped, got upset and her upset caused stress and conflict in her marital relationship. (The marital relationship was one of two parents with personality disorders, domestic violence, and alcoholism with no treatment for either of them).

When my parents got upset, they ran a smear campaign among my three siblings and their families. They blamed me for causing the problem in the parents’ relationship though it was my mother who was routinely calling me (BPD -borderline personality disorder thrives on being the center of attention and feeling needed). Since I was blamed, my older sister wrote a scathing letter to me blaming me for the parents’ conflict. There was no responsibility placed on my violent and alcoholic father nor on the sociopath who was stalking, harassing and assaulting me. Instead, the entire family blamed the victim and scapegoated on me. 

My response was to create a boundary by asking my mother to stop calling me. All hell broke loose. My mother ended up in the emergency room faking heart palpitations and I don’t know what else. I know she uses a martyr ploy tactic to get everyone feeling sorry for her because she pretends she’s going to die. In the crisis, my father became enraged at me and accused me. He said it was “your fault if anything happens to her”. In other words, I was accused of being a murderess though I had only tried to create a boundary in the midst of the insanity which surrounded me. It was all gaslighting and no one taking responsibility while battered women (such as myself) are most at risk of being murdered when being stalked by a sociopath. 

No one cared about my safety and, instead, spewed an avalanche of hatred. No one took responsibility for their own actions nor did they put responsibility on the sociopath for stalking and harassing (let alone law enforcement for being careless and ineffective). They were all trying to destroy me simply to avoid the pain of self-awareness. Instead of personal responsibility and self-awareness, the “presence of goodness” – myself – was blamed who was doing nothing wrong. I was only trying to protect myself and was the only voice of reason. 

Why Do Narcissists Hate

Dr. Les Carter talks about the emotion of hate in the video below. Narcissists can get so caught up in their rage that it turns into hatred. At times, empaths may have similar feelings, in response to narcissists, but it doesn’t take up residence inside them. The narcissist’s rage becomes a defining feature in the difference between normal people and narcissists. Normal people can have anger that serves a purpose including being assertive, choosing to take a different path in life, etc.

Narcissists’ hatred means they’ve given up on any possibility of having a productive meeting of minds. Their hatred means they wind up having no empathy or trying to know you as they cling to the emotion of hate. Narcissists are inclined toward judgement and shame. They give up on you meeting their standards. They let you know how contemptuous you are to them when you do not comply to their standards. They simply wish they could get everybody to comply with them. 

Narcissists sit on a great deal of internal hurt and pessimism. They blame others for making their lives miserable. Their inclination is toward constant devaluation. They have given up on civility too and give no worth to you. Narcissists illustrate there is much more going on beneath the surface than what they present outwardly toward you. Their pessimism, they believe, is all because of you.

Narcissists come toward you with a mountain of hate they hold on to. Dr. Les Carter asks ‘why do they go so far in the direction of hatred’? He says hatred is a delay tactic. There is much on the inside they need to focus on but they think if they can focus out there, they don’t have to look inside. They don’t want to have to do that hard work on the inside. So they focus on drawing much of their wellbeing from what is happening on the external. They have no internal sense of wellbeing to draw from. 

In addition, narcissists’ tactics include delay of examining their own pain. As long as narcissists inject their pain into you, they are holding on to their pain inside. As long as they hold on to the attitude of moral superiority, they delay having to look at their own internal inadequacies. As long as they cherry pick your character, it allows them to delay examining their character. As long as they insist you are supposed to conform to them, it allows them to delay how they are going to open to diversity in their lives. 

Narcissists are driven by a strong thought: ”I have to be in control.” Anything they can’t control is chaos to them. Their attitude illustrates ineptitude which resides on the inside of them. Their hatred, delay tactics and unwillingness to examine themselves reveals fullness of their emotional ineptitude and emotional incompetence. Their definition of self is highly defensive. They are defensive in their hatred with thinking ‘I don’t want you to control me, and if you differ, I don’t want to see it.’ 

Conversely, normal people have internal strength as an alternative to draw upon. Narcissists are reactive only. Normal people have a mindset i.e. ‘I think I know who I am. I have traits and opinions I want to hold on. I commit to a way of life and traits I want to hold on to and to let guide me. When I experience someone I dislike, I’m willing to consider constructive alternatives. I ask: what do I need to do to avoid hatred? such as boundaries, consequences, going my own path, etc.?’

Hatred is a primal, guttural experience which shows up in both normal people and in narcissists. Narcissists are driven by a powerful sense of entitlement as if saying ‘you owe me. You haven’t done what I want you to do.’ They hold on to power which is eating away at them from the inside out. Holding on to power is a steep price to pay for holding on to hatred. The steep price is an absence of love. 

Instead, to be normal we can feel what we feel, even hate, without giving hatred the highest priority. We can, instead, be persons of dignity, civility and respect. 

The Presence of Goodness

We are taught, in religion, that we are born sinners and that we continuously have to work at being good enough so we don’t go to hell. I now believe that is false teaching. Instead, we are born as children, as innocence, who come into the world as a gift from Creator God. To me, a newborn and the unfolding soul development of a child is sacred not sinful.

Between being brainwashed with this false religious teaching and growing up in a narcissistic family who says the scapegoat is never good enough, I have struggled to see through decades of condemnation and feeling guilty. As I gain clarity, I discover the narcissists are evil, they are guilty, when they scapegoat. The scapegoat is the “presence of goodness” they hate. This quote from M. Scott Peck, M.D. exposes that this evil is real:

“…First, I have come to conclude that evil is real. It is not the figment of the imagination of a primitive religious mind feebly attempting to explain the unknown. There really are people, and institutions made up of people, who respond with hatred in the presence of goodness and would destroy the good insofar as it is in their power to do so. They do this not with conscious malice but blindly, lacking awareness of their own evil—indeed, seeking to avoid any such awareness. As has been described of the devil in religious literature, they hate the light and instinctively will do anything to avoid it, including attempting to extinguish it. They will destroy the light in their own children and in all other beings subject to their power. 

Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness. They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of such self-awareness.” (pg. 278, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck, M.D.)

Signs of Lack of Empathy

This is a helpful article from Adelyn Birch. Adelyn helps us avoid persons, in the current epidemic of narcissism, who lack empathy. Copy/paste as follows:

• Self-centeredness.
• Does not respect your personal boundaries.
• In the beginning, he or she may seem to have plenty of empathy for you, but not much for others. Watch out–-you’re next.
• Indifference to the suffering of others.
• Sexism and womanizing.
• Believes he or she is always right.
• Judgmental.
• Refusal to acknowledge that you have justification to be upset about something he or she did.
• Expects you to accommodate his schedule, without regard for yours.
• Neglecting or ignoring you if you’re sick.
• Doesn’t comfort you when you need it.
• Feels he knows you better than you know yourself. When you tell him how you feel, he might tell you that’s not really how you feel. This is a sign that he or she does not see you as having a mind of your own. When someone denies your reality and tries to substitute another in its place, head for the nearest exit.
• Arrogance.
• When they apologize, they don’t act like they mean it. You do not see genuine remorse, understanding about why what they did hurt you, or purposeful, deliberate efforts on their part to repair the damage they may have done or efforts to do better in the future. Instead, it just seems like a couple of empty words spoken to placate you.
• Inability to imagine how their words and actions may affect you.
• Cheats, and then blames it on you.
• Needs space (more than a day or two) and doesn’t care that it hurts you.
• Isn’t interested in finding ways to soothe your worries.
• Ogles or flirts with others in front of you, and then accuses you of being smothering, insecure or mistrusting when you ask him or her about it.
• Becomes angry when you cry or get emotional.
• Looks at you with a blank face when you cry.
• Makes you feel out of control emotionally.
• You feel he just can’t seem to understand you, no matter how much you explain or defend yourself.
• You feel he or she doesn’t know you, even though they’ve had ample opportunity.
• You sense a lack of emotional connection.
• There is drama and intensity, and when you look beneath it you find a lack of genuine emotional intimacy.
• Treats his or your pets badly. For example, he may say he loves his dog, but he lets him run loose, neglects visiting the vet when the dog is sick or injured, or leaves it out in the cold.
• Tells you you’re too needy or too emotional.
• Is hurtfully blunt and casually critical, and when you become upset he tells you he is “just being honest.” Honesty without kindness is cruelty.
• Talks at length on a topic that clearly bores you, without noticing it.
• Doesn’t ask you how your day was or how your doctor’s appointment went.
• Forgets your birthday or other important occasions.
• Brings up a sensitive topic even after you’ve asked him to stop.
• Looks down on people for what he sees as their bad decisions, without taking into account how their life circumstances may differ from his.
• Expects instant forgiveness.
• Censors and restricts your emotions.
• Invalidates your thoughts, feelings, ideas and concerns.
• Fights dirty, using your most personal, painful past experiences to hurt you.
• Wants you to give up pursuing a goal that’s important to you.

How To Never Get Involved with an Abuser Again

Unconditional Love Will Not Change a Narcissist

We learn what we live and we live what we learn. I learned, as a child, to submit to both a malignant narcissist and an enabler. I lived with domestic violence, alcoholism, and family scapegoating abuse (FSA). FSA typically causes children to survive with a trauma fawn (submit) instinctive response. Most children who experience FSA develop CPTSD (Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). As children, our instincts kick in and help us survive dangerous environments.

As an empath, I practiced being understanding and patient. I learned to people please and was too nice for my own good. The survival pattern nearly destroyed me. I awakened but not until after I suffered too much for too long.

Therefore, I can say with confidence that being too nice, loving unconditionally, will NOT change the narcissist-sociopath. It will only give the message to evil doers that they can continue their abuse with no accountability. It is a recipe for self-destruction of the empath. Those who are abusive think that those with empathy are weak. They think empaths are fools when we forgive and forget and keep tolerating their abusive behaviors.

It is a hard lesson for empaths to learn. In my experience, this is because it is hard to understand that people exist who enjoy hurting other people without remorse. It is a lesson that must be learned because we have more people than ever, on planet Earth, who are character disordered. In other words, evil flourishes on this planet, when there is no accountability, especially while we lack a competent justice system. Evil flourishes when we are taught by religion to forgive and forget or when new age teaches there is no evil and that we need to look to the good.

I hope others will not tolerate bad behavior as I did. If you need support to learn assertive behaviors and to implement boundaries, find a seasoned trauma informed therapist who understands narcissists and sociopaths. In my opinion, individual trauma informed therapy is the best money one can spend rather than self-destructing in a relationship with someone who is evil. Love is healing in the right relationship but not with a narcissist-sociopath.

Clarice, in the video below, recommends indifference as the best emotion when dealing with a narcissist who refuses to change. “Exposing the Narcissist with Clarice”:

Raw Power

Raw power, to me, means that we stand in personal power. We exercise our Divine birthright to be treated with respect. We make a firm decision that we will no longer tolerate abusive behavior in our lives. We walk away if other people mistreat us and refuse to stop what they are doing.

Back to Basics With Healing PTSD

Surviving a run-in with a pure evil sociopath, and needing to heal damage, has required decades of research, multiple medical consults, financial expense, experimentation, suffering, and determination to recover. Conventional medicine and prescription medication was toxic, resulted in more damage, and added significant side effects. Holistic medicine contributed nutritional supplementation and recommended lifestyle changes. But it lacked, for me, an accurate diagnosis of the root of my symptoms.

A significant step toward recovery came after I accessed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). With EMDR, I was able to release trauma, start feeling, and move forward. I was stuck in a traumatized, survival neurological brain pattern. I became able to listen to body wisdom and tune in to spiritual guidance from within. I believe that EMDR, with a seasoned therapist, was the best money I ever spent on myself. Trusting inner guidance, I no longer believed that the “experts” had all the answers for me.

My spiritual guidance led me back to HTMA (hair tissue mineral analysis) and more study of Anthony William’s (Medical Medium) higher consciousness of healing with eating whole foods. I am finally healing chronic illness.

Basics that Work for Me

• Boundaries to protect myself from those who scapegoat
• Rest
• EMDR
• Intuitive Guidance from what Medical Medium calls “Spirit of Compassion”
• HTMA
• Medical Medium (using celery juice each morning and drinking delicious fresh fruit and vegetable smoothies)

Essential oils may not be basic. But, to me, they are soothing and aromatic. I started to use them, on a daily basis, in home diffusers and diluted in organic coconut (or almond) oil to apply on dry skin. I use 100% pure essential oils. I have learned that “fragrance” is used to disguise a synthetic imitation of an essential oil. I try to stay away from chemicals and synthetics as much as possible.

I felt motivated to write a short post, this morning, because of the substantial difference I noticed after adding potassium per recommendations from my most recent HTMA. I have learned it is important to start slow with adding nutritional supplements. With my HTMA, adding zinc and reducing toxic levels of copper made a difference. When I added potassium, I noticed a significant improvement with energy, motivation, and feeling strong.

I could have kept trying to improve energy with positive affirmations, reframing thoughts, counseling, rest, etc. I could have continued to go around and around with guesswork supplements. I, recently, learned that copper toxicity causes adverse reactions to vitamins and minerals. So I finally understand why purchasing nutritional supplements, before HTMA, was often waste of money without copper detox.

I believe that minerals in our body need to be balanced as a foundation for healing. To me it is like adding depleted minerals to our garden soil so plants grow. Our bodies get depleted of minerals and need the right balance to heal and grow as our Creator intended. Minerals are what the HTMA experts call the “spark plugs of life”. High copper is toxic, specifically antagonistic to zinc, and suppresses other mineral levels including potassium, magnesium, molybdenum, sulfur, iron, etc.

To me, it all boils down to putting more faith in what God created than what is created in a lab. It boils down to returning to our Divinity and living in the flow of Spirit in our body temple. It is listening to body wisdom rather than to all the “experts”. I believe it requires we live in harmony with nature rather than try to dominate with poison, greed, aggression, narcissism, etc. I thank God I stayed the course, woke up, and developed searing vision to see through the flood of distractions, lies, and illusions.

There is a 2022 HTMA Virtual Summit which is free for viewing until November 20, 2022. If you are interested, the Summit can be accessed at https://htmavirtualsummit.com/2022-htma-virtual-summit-sign-up/

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Family Scapegoat’s Reality

What do we do when we get hoovered after leaving the toxic, scapegoating family? It depends upon who is doing the hoovering. I find it is more difficult when the hoovering is from an elderly parent who is ill or when it involves an adult child. This is because the familial bond is deeper and because there is a sense of responsibility. For me, there is a tender trap in which I want to be connected and to genuinely care for one another. Over time, I have learned that my tender trap sets me up for more bullying. I have a default pattern of not wanting to believe that family members do not genuinely care and, instead, will continue to use me for catharsis.

For self-protection, I have to remember why family members unjustly take their anger and revenge out on me. I have to remember how human beings use the psychological defense of displacement when we sense danger. When we live with a sociopath who uses violence and threats of violence routinely, we live in a dangerous environment. Most of us walk on eggshells to avoid the rage of the sociopath. Who dares stand up to a dangerous sociopath especially as a child? Sociopaths will do whatever it takes to maintain control which makes them both dangerous and unpredictable.

Displacement as Psychological Defense

What do we with our emotions when we live in a family dominated by a violent sociopath? We find a safe target so we can “take out our anger on a person or thing that poses less of a risk”. Displacement occurs when the mind senses that reacting to the original source of frustration might be unacceptable – even dangerous. Instead, it finds us a less threatening subject that can serve as a safer outlet for these negative feelings. Psychological defenses operate without conscious awareness to help cope with threatening people, things, or environments.” https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-displacement-in-psychology-4587375

Displacement occurs when the mind senses that reacting to the original source of frustration might be unacceptable – even dangerous. Instead, it finds us a less threatening subject that can serve as a safer outlet for these negative feelings

We find a scapegoat. This is a common defense, in families suffering from domestic violence. When family members deny reality and the source of their frustration and danger, they remain unconscious. They take the easy way out by failing to hold the sociopath accountable and, instead, displace their pain on a safe target. The empath becomes a safe target because we genuinely care about family members and especially those who are hurting. The empath, in the family, is walking on eggshells also. But we are wanting to stop the violence in order to protect family members. Thus, we become the target of the sociopath who will not tolerate such an egoic, narcissistic insult to his self-image.

The assertive empath becomes the identified threat in the sociopath’s reign of terror. The empath who makes any attempt to stop the violence enrages the sociopath who then determines to silence and disempower the empath. As other family members witness this persecution, they quickly conform to being compliant by aligning with the sociopath. They side with the sociopath against the empath who becomes the family scapegoat. The entire family turns against the empath. This is a soul crushing experience when an entire family displaces their pain and scapegoats on one family member.

Projection as a Psychological Defense

Projection is similar to displacement. Projection is when we accuse someone else of our faults. When family members unjustly project their frustrations on a safe target, the empath, they do not take responsibility for their inner experience. They deny and project their feelings because they are in survival and/or are unwilling to face the truth. This becomes a survival pattern. In my family of origin, my survival pattern was believing I was doing something wrong because far too much anger was projected on to me. Other family members developed a survival pattern of blaming and taking anger out on me. These survival patterns continue to be with us even as adults unless we choose to become conscious about the reality of our experience and to heal the wounds.

The reality is that most do not choose to become conscious and heal their inner wounds. Even as an adult, I am the only family member who is conscious, determined to recover, and I stand alone. I continue to be the target for projection. Family members continue to displace their unhealed issues on to me. However, I now have boundaries, for self-protection, which i enforce because I’ve had enough of the bullying. I believe we are adults who need to choose courage to face reality and the truth. We need to be responsible rather than blame others especially rather than gang up on one family member.

So when a family member hoovers and tries to suck me back into the abusive dysfunction, there is no turning back. Turning back would feel like returning to a deep, dark cesspool of pain, gaslighting, invalidation, guilt and shame, stress, etc. It is like volunteering to be punched one more time. If we allow ongoing projection, we continue to be the dumping ground, the garbage bin, the family football, the target, the punching bag because we are being used rather than genuinely cared about.

Instead, I might love from a distance, those with whom I shared a deeper bond, by sending an occasional card or share a superficial, short time together. With some, I have no contact. Overall, we have to be very strategic to avoid getting punched one more time. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-projection-defense-mechanism-5194898

If we allow the projection, we continue to be the dumping ground, the garbage bin, the family football, the target, the punching bag because we are being used rather than genuinely cared about.

Hard Pill to Swallow

This is a hard pill to swallow. As an empath, we did not plan for this harsh reality. We could not conceive of an entire family who targets one family member and displaces family issues on to. We could not imagine being blamed for what we did not do nor being invalidated and gaslighted for years. We could not imagine, as Tamie M Joyce states,in the video below, that they would create a false narrative to cover their own ass.

For me, I loved my family and was enmeshed in the dysfunction. I never imagined having to walk away from family of origin. It took far too much pain and my need to survive before I was able to make that decision. It was a painful grieving process of “epic losses”.

When the Family Scapegoat Leaves the Toxic Family

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1Onifqv_SM

Raise the Standards

Though we often stand alone, as the empath who escaped, we have opportunity. We heal our soul. We regain our health. We set the example for others who decide to choose a healthy standard of living. We refuse to tolerate the religious mantra of forgive and forget and, instead, we remember and recover. We may prevent an untold amount of suffering for future generations:

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