The bottom line, for children in a narcissistic family regime, is to please the power holders in the family (the narcissistic parents). The job of the children is to make parents look good and to keep up the facade. The children are objects who are expected to do what the narcissists demand and to be punished (usually severely) if not compliant. The feelings of the children, especially the family scapegoats, are not important nor are the children loved for who they are. Lori Swain, on Quora, shares the following list of rules:
Listen to every word the narcissist says and agree.
Don’t miss any phone calls from the narcissist
End all friendships.
Accept that everything will be your fault.
Always look perfect.
Never appear tired.
Don’t get sick.
Don’t spend money on yourself.
Never have an opinion.
Apologize for the narcissist’s bad day.
Apologize for everything that doesn’t go the narc way.
Do everything the way the narc says, they know best.
Spend your money only on the narc.
Children must follow the same rules.
Don’t give attention to anyone except the narcissist.
Don’t ever argue with the narcissist.
Never cry in front of the narcissist.
Learn to know what not to say in front of the narc. This will take time, but don’t worry, the narc will teach you what you can and can’t say. The narc will also teach you what you can and can’t do.
Always be happy to see them.
Be grateful that they picked you over all the others.
Be grateful that the narc is allowing you to be in the same room with them.
Be grateful they allow you to breathe the air they breathe.
Learn to take orders with a smile.
Learn to jump high. You will be jumping hoops for them.
Never disappoint the narcissist, it’s impossible, but try.
Constantly strive to do better.
Accept that you will never be as wonderful as the narc.
Never feel that you deserve anything.
Its easy to follow these rules once you understand that your only purpose in life is to provide for the narcissists every whim. You are not viewed as a person with wants and needs. You have been chosen to feed the narcissists ego. You are nothing more than an ego feeder. Ego feeding is just as dangerous as the lion feeders’ job at the zoo. The lion is always waiting for the right moment to attack. You have to always make sure you’re completely focused on that lion, never being distracted. A good lion feeder will survive. A good narcissist’s partner will not be so fortunate.
Following all the rules does not earn you privileges.
Following the rules does not make you special.
Following the rules does not prove your love.
Following the rules won’t prevent the narc from leaving.
Following the rules won’t make the narcissist love you.
Following these rules will ultimately be what makes the narcissist despise you.
Don’t allow yourself to be treated like that.
Be a REBEL. Tell that narcissist to KISS YOUR ASS“
From my perspective, it seems like there are many who have not processed their life experiences. These include family, friends, co-workers, professionals, and government officials. Typically, we all have some degree of trauma and loss while surviving on this most challenging and dangerous planet Earth. This harsh reality means that many carry trauma, live as a shell of a person, we pretend to be okay, but we are not able to feel, identify our feelings and needs, breathe deeply nor relax. We have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and/or are unable to sleep.
Unable to feel and being numb are the survival choices we make to suppress trauma. I was taught, in my continuing education training as a Social Worker, it is like there is an “electric fence around trauma”. We try to avoid our traumatic experiences because we don’t know how, and/or do not want to deal with the memories. We may not realize that we are avoiding trauma because we were conditioned to be in survival mode since the day we were born. We may have decided it is normal to have chronic stress and struggle to survive. The good news is that there are many therapeutic interventions for releasing trauma. I experienced EMDR, with a seasoned therapist, to be the best money I ever spent on myself.
However, if we fail to release trauma, we lose our connection to compassion. We end up being easily triggered from what happens in our lives and relationships. Worse, we cover up our suppressed trauma with anger and try to control other people. Thus, we have stormy, unstable relationships. Far worse is if we harden ourselves into a hell of our own making by deciding to hurt others. If we decide we are going to enjoy hurting others, as a means of taking anger and revenge out on those around us, how do we look in the mirror? It is much harder to face who we are if we have lived decades of doing great harm to others. We can become narcissistic sociopaths if we harden ourselves into such a hell.
When we get on the path of recovery, and study narcissistic behavior, it becomes obvious that many around us are emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually hardened. They are unconscious and do not care about how they hurt other people. It seems to me that there is an epidemic of narcissism with people looking out only for “me, myself, and I”. They are takers, they feel entitled, they have a need for control, and they believe they are superior. They expect that others are supposed to defer to whatever they choose or need. The narcissistic sociopath expects others to concede to what they want. They express no remorse nor accountability if/when we speak up about how we are being mistreated by their narcissistic behavior.
Dr. Carter, in his video below, provides the ultimate concession to narcissistic behavior. He suggests using this “ultimate concession” rather than getting caught up in pleading our case, staying in questioning mode, and staying tethered to that person. The ultimate concession is: “You get to be whatever you want to be”.
Dr. Carter explains that this ultimate concession requires we let go of pleading, cajoling, and arm twisting. We let those with narcissistic behavior live inside their alternate reality while we have a breakthrough in our thinking. We let the narcissist-sociopath be free and we set ourselves free.
We let go of the illusion the narcissist-sociopath will change. As Dr. Carter says ‘their fragile ego won’t allow that. We let go of the hope they will learn how to manage anger when we see them go back to anger over and over. We let go of the dream that they will be respectful and want to get to know us. We accept the fact that they will only be a manipulator.’
“Truth and narcissism are not a very good match”
We let go of the presumption that they will live life with truth. Dr. Carter states that “truth and narcissism are not very good match”. We let go and accept the fact that they will keep as many secrets as they want. We let go and accept the fact that they will not treat us fairly nor speak well of us to other individuals. We let go of hoping they will develop insight regarding the projection of their troubled tensions on to us. The narcissist-sociopath projects on to us because they have lots of stress, strain, and guilt they are trying to run away from.
In our lives of recovery, we free ourselves from participating in their version of crazy. Dr. Carter suggests we go “bland” rather than bitter. We free ourselves and step into being free to assert ourselves and into creating the life we want to have. We are free to have our opinions, priorities, healthy relationships, and move forward to fully explore what it means to be a healthy person with boundaries. We no longer tremble when the narcissist-sociopath pronounces guilt and shame on to us. We no longer take our cues from them any longer. We no longer confine ourselves to the parameters they put around us.
It’s sad the narcissist-sociopath wants to fully be who they are. But, the ultimate concession goes both ways: they get to be who they want to be and we get to be who we want to be:
The Language of Letting Go
Melody Beattie, in her book The Language of LettingGo, teaches that letting go or surrendering is a “highly personal and spiritual experience” (page 302). She says it is not a tidy package. “As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.
Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender. We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward”. Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.”
“Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward”.
Dr. James Dobson provides a breakthrough for all the “forgive and forget” religious indoctrination. Rather than whitewashing bad behavior, he suggests we need to have the courage to stand up for ourselves. This is easier to do in brief day-to-day encounters in which others may be rude. However, if there is long-term contact with a narcissist-sociopath, it is essential in order for us to survive!
Typically, as an empath we try too hard and give for too long before we realize the empath-narcissist trap. We, eventually, will face a crisis. In the crisis, we must have an entire change of attitude. Dr. Dobson says “Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands like an abused puppy, you…must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, ‘I believe in me. I’m no longer afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I’m not talking about. I’ve had my day of sorrow and I’m through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in the path’.
Those of us, in recovery, can return to our spiritual connection with God. We live from our soul as we face the fact that life does not go on for forever on this planet. After surviving the nightmare life with a sociopath, we desire a life of safety, peace and calm. We live from our soul because we know that being conscious and responsible, for our feelings and choices, is healthy. We have our daily “conversations with God”:
Narcissistic behavior is tricky to understand. It is hard to conceive of, in the mind of an empath, that someone enjoys wittling away at the self-esteem and self-trust of other people. However, a narcissist needs to do this in order to feel superior and in control. The narcissist-sociopath runs away from dealing with their troubled inner self. It is like their life is on fire, on the inside, but they point to you and say you’re on fire. They are intent on punishing you if you don’t go along with their alternate reality. As they punish, our job is self-preservation so that we are not their scapegoat nor do we go along with being destroyed.
We eventually learn, after much confusion and disbelief, that we need to stonewall narcissistic behavior as much as possible. When we no longer comply, we see the reality of who the narcissist-sociopath really is. They take no responsibility, may obsess about how to get you back in your place, and/or may obsess about how to make you pay for displeasing them. The narcissist-sociopath is desperate for us to keep playing their game of stirring up chaos, hurt, and argument. They need their narcissistic supply. We eventually learn not to fall for their destructive game. They, eventually and hopefully, go away and seek another source:
Self-defense and self-protective boundaries are critical for an empath. As an empath, I lived a lifetime of suppressing feelings and needs in order to survive toxic male violence. As a female, I was taught to “be nice”, to nurture, and to deny anger. I eventually learned that socially accepted masculine and feminine roles, in the patriarchal, social engineering, brainwashing matrix, enabled toxic males to abuse and dominate and oppressed females to be submissive and victim. When toxic males strive to dominate, they use verbal abuse and worse! Yulk!
These quotes, from Patricia Evans, got my attention!
“Don’t ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries.” ― Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond
“In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. The partner is then the victim.”
“Verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict. There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse. In a conflict each participant wants something different. In order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs, and reasons while mutually seeking a creative solution. There may or may not be a solution, but no one forces, dominates, or controls the other. Verbal abuse, on the other hand, is very different from a conflict. If we describe verbal abuse from the standpoint of boundary violation, we would describe it as an intrusion upon, or disregard of, one’s self by a person who disregards boundaries in a sometimes relentless pursuit of Power Over, superiority, and dominance by covert or overt means.”
“The victim of abuse is taught to believe that although she is hurting, she shouldn’t be, or that she is in some way responsible. From childhood, she is conditioned not to understand her feelings and so not to recognize the truth. This truth is that she is being abused and blamed for the abuse (as if it could be justified) and for feeling bad about it (as if her feelings were wrong). The typical partner believed the abuser’s denial and so became frustrated and confused even while she searched for answers. Unable to reach clarity and understanding, the partner was left with feelings of inadequacy and confusion. If her mate was not wrong, if he was not lying, if she did take things wrong, then she could believe only that “something must be wrong with the way she was — how she expressed herself, how she came across, or possibly with her feelings and experience of reality itself.” Thus the doubts of childhood rose up once more. She kept her mind open to what she might hear that would reveal what was wrong — why she suffered. She became, therefore, the perfect victim.”
Controlling People
“Controllers think differing ideas and views are personal opposition to be rejected and destroyed” (Patricia Evans).
Controlling people feel entitled to get their way without considering the needs of the other person. They typically are impulsive and react with irritability and anger in order to control other people. They lack insight and compassion with being sensitive to the feelings of the people they attack. It is imperative that empaths learn how dangerous Planet Earth can be especially as we experience an epidemic of narcissistic control dramas:
4. The poor me control drama is the most passive and steals energy by using guilt trips and getting people to feel sorry and responsible for fixing problems:
As empaths, we need to listen to gut instinct. We need to emotionally detach when we are feeling sensory overload. We need to be assertive rather than always putting the needs of other people first. We need to be ready to use visualized lion or jaguar energy when caught in situations with controllers:
Empaths provide a feeding frenzy for controllers i.e. sociopaths. Sociopaths thrive if empaths keep trying too hard to please them and/or to emotionally connect with them. When I was young, I did not know. I did not know there are some people who cannot genuinely give and receive in order to create a supportive, mutual, and compassionate bond. I did not know that some people thrive from stealing energy, using control dramas, and destroying other people. I did not know what evil truly is. Sociopaths passionately hate empaths when they lose narcissistic supply because the empath figured out the sociopath’s stealing energy game plan of destruction and even death. Empaths learn to STAY AWAY from the sociopath!
Giving and Receiving Energy
The sociopath will never experience a successful, genuine relationship of care and respect. The empath, however, can. We can learn to exit our control dramas and, instead, share energy with one another. The movie, Celestine Prophecy, is helpful for learning how we try to control others and how we can, instead, experience mutually supportive relationships:
When Self Defense Becomes Kinetic
I used to hate violence and studied non-violence, by Marshall Rosenberg, to avoid control dramas. However, I have learned there are times when violence cannot be avoided. This is because some people have no conscience, they enjoy hurting and destroying other people, and they go to great lengths in order to get what they want. They lack empathy for others.
These criminals destroy our health, abduct our children, exploit us financially, take away our freedoms, use tyranny and treats to dominate, and they have agendas to depopulate the human race. It appears that we are all currently learning what evil truly is on this planet. We are all seeing the need to fight back or be destroyed. We are seeing the need to speak up or be trampled upon. I now believe that we can do all we can to keep our lives peaceful and in harmony with others. But, there is a time when evil is so barbaric that only self-defense and military might is essential:
“In general, when you respond to verbal abuse, speak firmly and clearly, stand or sit straight and tall, hold your head high, look the abuser in the eye, and breathe deeply, letting your abdomen expand with the intake of air.” ― Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
Empaths, Sociopaths, and Post-Traumatic Growth 